Part 4- Delight in Your Children: the Key to their Hearts

Family Fun Times

We love having fun as a family so much and feel that it is like a cement that binds us together that we look for ways to make ordinary days into memorable occasions as well.

Here's some ideas to get your creative juices flowing:
• Family cookouts- We love to strike up the grill and cook and eat outdoors. All the grown kids make a dish and we play badminton, croquet, and give wagon rides and bike rides to the grandkids. I love to watch everyone enjoying each other and all the “Cousins” having a great time. It’s fun to watch our adult kids enjoying their nieces and nephews too! That’s what you have to look forward to if you invest now while your kids are young in delighting in them!!
• Family field trips- We tried a few “field trips” with others, but gave up on that in exchange for going as a family to historical sites, museums, etc. We found that way, Dad can give a great tour and everyone learns and benefits. If you go as a huge group, the parents talk with the parents and the kids are making racket and derive very little benefit from the experience.
• Snow days- Rick has a few horses and a one horse open sleigh. It is lots of fun during those rare snowstorms to take the kids to the farm where we keep the horses and hook her up and glide over the snow! We have a sloped side yard which makes a great sledding hill. The kids usually rig up a ramp from saw horses and plywood and create a wonderful sled run!! Rick being a drywall contractor, meanse we have lots of drywall mud buckets around. I remember the year the kids thought of making an igloo by packing snow inside the buckets and turning them upside down and dumping the packed snow out. What fun!!
• First fire of winter and fires thereafter. We love a fire. We make an occasion the first fire of the fall. Dad makes hot chocolate and we pop popcorn over fireplace in one of those old fashioned popcorn poppers with the long handle.
• Tri-weekly library nights- We started this several years ago. We take the kids out for supper at Golden Corral which is a treat in itself. It’s all you can eat and lots of variety and then we head for the library for the evening. I help the kids find the books they are interested in and then we head for home. The books are due in 3 weeks, so on the off weeks Kelley or Kasey prepares a special treat for the evening and we have a cozy “reading night” where everyone reads their chosen books, including Mom and Dad.
• Family Bible quizzes- we used to have these every Friday night when the kids were younger. Dad would ask the kids Bible questions and they would get treats for answering- small candy bars or raisins, etc. It was fun for all, and also served to encourage the kids to listen carefully to the Bible being read at family devotion time each night.
• Family nights- Every Friday night the whole family comes over to our house. Everyone brings a dish. Sometimes we do Italian, Mexican, roast, chicken, etc and the grown kids bring the side dishes and dessert. It is a time to enjoy the company of one another. We often just talk, play with the grandkids or sometimes even sing.
• Special nights- In order to spend special time with each one of our kids on a regular basis, we would take them one at a time out for supper to a restaurant of their choice (within reason). We spend the evening talking about topics they choose. We found that often the ones who are at home, often become quite talkative when they know they have your full attention. The kids would plan for long time in advance, choosing the restaurant etc.
• “Happy hour” at Sonic- In our town, Sonic, a fast food restaurant, offers all their drinks at half price during the hours from 2-4 pm. If I have one of the kids out doing errands with me, we sometimes will stop for a drink. I try to take different kids shopping with me to spend some quality time with them individually as well as teaching them important shopping skills.
• Invite godly people into our home. We started this practice of inviting folks to our home so our kids could serve them and also learn from their wisdom.
• Annual Christmas bonfire-this has become a yearly tradition. We invite lots of friends, have someone share about Christmas, sing carols around the bonfire and have lots of Christmas goodies to eat, of course.
• Inviting people into our home. We try to make our home open to others, “adopted kids”, kids going to college who are away from their families, elderly people in our church, etc.
• Autumn leaves day with Em- One day in the fall, Emmy and I took a day just to ride to the mountains, stop and take scenery pictures. It was a fun day I will always remember and hope to repeat in the future.
• Picnics at Peaks- We live near Peaks of Otter in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We make special days having picnics or hikes during the spring and summer and fall.
• Strawberry picking and making pies, jam
• Rehearsal dinner traditions-We started the tradition of sharing embarrassing things the bride or groom had done as a kid (within reason). It makes for a very fun occasion.
• Mundane weekly shopping trips- I take one of my kids with me, make it special for them
• Lunches out with girls-I will try to listen for hints if one of my girls has had a bad day.. or just taking the time to touch base with them and see what’s on their mind. We’ll go out to lunch and just enjoy each others company.

These are all things that communicate that you enjoy being with your kids. Create some family fun times of your own!

Part 3 "Delight in Your Children: The Key to Their Hearts

Practical Delighting In Another

What do I mean by delighting in?

The Hebrew meaning for delight is:

DELIGHT- to be pleased; to satisfy a debt, be acceptable, accomplish, set affection on, approve, enjoy, have favor, like, observe, pardon, take pleasure in

Here’s the dictionary definition:

to affect with great pleasure, to please highly. Delight is a more permanent pleasure than joy and not dependent on sudden excitement.

Let me give you some concrete ideas on how to delight in your child:

-When Kasey was a toddler she would come down hall at night and want to climb into bed to snuggle with Mom and Dad. We would let her snuggle for a few minutes acting delighted to see her. It’s a special time and she still likes to snuggle.

-In our family, we have pet nicknames for each person. As a matter of fact each person has their own pet name for everyone else. I remember asking little Kasey what different family members called her. When I got to Mommy her answer was, “ luv oo luv oo”. It is so important to verbalize to your kids that you love them and treasure them. It’s a simple thing to do, but has lifelong effects!! I actually made Kelley a scrapbook border with all her nicknames on it. We had enough to go all around the page as each one had special names for each other.

-Be excited about what excites them –all the little things you think you don’t have time for. I remember when Tuck would ask for saltine crackers to “feed” the ants- on the front porch, no less!! He called them “duhs” and got so excited watching them haul off pieces of cracker!! It’s the simple pleasures!

-Take time every now and then to sit in the sandbox with them and make castles. When you make those castles you’re building bigger, more important things for eternity!!

-I decided early on that I would be a grandma who would get on the floor and play with my grandkids. I play dollhouse or matchbox cars, or even the latest thing is I pretend I’m in a house fire and they “rescue” me. (Sometimes, I need a rest after being rescued!!)

-I used to save special “papers” the kids made during the years. I have made several special scrapbooks containing those precious ones I just couldn’t part with . Until I had time to actually make the scrapbook, I just stored their special creations in a box. I kept a box for each one. It first made it to a folder, then when that got full, I’d transfer it to the box in the attic. I have one for each child. Of course, before it went to the folder, it usually hung on the fridge. Many of those kids are now grown and those papers and cards are so special to me. Some snowy day I want to just sit and look at those things and remember and show the kids what they did and may not remember.

-I used to have the kids write Scripture verses to practice their handwriting and would often frame some and hang them on the wall. For years we had one Nate made. “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine”

-Our biggest source of entertainment through the years has been the cute things the kids would do and say as they were growing up in our home. Now our adult kids who are parents do the same thing with their kids and we get to hear verses learned, songs sung, precious comments, etc.

-When our oldest son, Rickey was around 3 years old, Rick was working at the sheriff’s department. We would sit at the breakfast table in the mornings before he had to leave enjoying each others company for a few quiet moments. Rickey, however, began to wake up during this time. At first, we would send him back to bed for a few minutes, but the Lord began to prick my conscience and I mentioned it to Rick. So the next morning as he came stumbling down the hall all sleepy, Rick said, RICKEY, WE”RE GLAD YOU WOKE UP. DID YOU SLEEP GOOD? Rickey delightedly responded with "Yes, I sleep good." Each morning after that he would stumble down the hall and excitedly say, “I SLEEP GOOD!!!” We would pull him onto our laps and act like it made our day to see him. Do you know what- It did!! Our change in focus affected our attitude and the delight he showed was worth giving up a little “me” time.

-Be sure to praise them to others for character-not looks or diligence in practicing, not talent. Kids need praise and respond to it. Be genuine, but remember to look for the positive.

-Be easy to please. As parents, we often expect our kids to act like little adults and expect them to know what we want without ever telling them. Make instructions simple and clear.

-In order to build trust in the relationship, try not to laugh at or embarrass them. Sometimes when we share a story with others and they laugh the kids may think we’re laughing at them, not because it’s cute, so use caution.

These are just a few simple ways to get your creative juices flowing.

~Marilyn

Next week, I’ll share a little about how to make even the ordinary days into fun times.

Part 2: Delight in Your Children- the Key to their Hearts

Learn to Delight in Your Children as God Delights in Us.

We are to picture God to our children as imperfect as we are. The relationship we have father/son (mother/daughter) is compared to the relationship we have as children of God. Now, that would be scary if you didn’t realize it’s a picture, something to give us guidelines and insight. God knows we are but flesh.

This is something I’ve told parents for years- to learn to delight in their children, but I didn’t learn how powerful it was until my son nailed it down last year as we were talking. I’ll let Nate tell you about it here: Nate Talks about the impact of Delighting In Your Children

(This clip is one of many included on Homeschooling-Educating for Eternity DVD series. This is a 3 hr presentation by Rick, Marilyn, and 6 of our adult kids on the things we did while raising them that they wish to pass on to their children)

It was one of those things we stumbled upon not realizing it was an important principle in God’s Word and had such a lasting impact on our children. I have since started studying Scripture on how God delights in us. It’s really fascinating!!

• Proverbs 8:30 “I was daily His delight”
• Ps. 18:19- psalmist rescued because God delighted in him
• Prov. 8:31- God delights in the sons of men
• Isaiah 62:4- Lord delights in you
• Psalm 22:8- rescued because God delights in him (God’s son)
• Proverbs 3:12-“Even as a father- the son in whom he delights-How blessed is the man who finds wisdom
• Psalm 37:23- The steps of a man are established (ordered) by the Lord and He delights in his way. –even when you fall- Lord is there holding your hand (what a picture in training our children)
• When we delight in our children- it produces correct responses, fruit in their lives. Isaiah 42:1- My chosen servant in whom my soul delights...His delight produced this fruit in the servant just- full of spirit- patient-faithful-encouraged-productive-useful

The following is my son Rick’s testimony-

I will confess that, in making life decisions, I ought to ask myself what God would think. Yet often I find myself asking, what would Mom think? I want desperately for this lady to be able to be proud of me, to be a credit rather than an embarrassment to her. I have learned that if I filter my actions through the “Mom filter,” most times I’m glad I did"

I believe delighting in your kids is the key to your kids giving you their heart

As I said earlier, it takes time to get to really know each child, their passions, interests, stumbling blocks, what makes them tick, what discourages them, what motivates them.

I

Our kids have to know that we are dedicated to their success above our own goals, reputation, our own time, schedule, etc.

It takes giving consideration to their input with respect as if they were another adult, listening to their stories, dreams (OHH this can be trying!!), explanations. Some kids take longer to communicate and it takes time and patience to really listen!!

Psalm 40:8- “I delight to do Thy will"

when we delight in our children, they respond in delighting to please us.

Our son, Rick, said it often kept him from doing wrong, knowing that doing a certain thing would displease his parents.

Delight is a matter of the heart. It comes from deep within. Our children belong to the LORD, not us. He entrusts them to us. Col. 3:17 -do everything you do for the Lord

“Whatsoever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks thru Him to God the Father.”

We need to realize that our attitude as parents needs to grow to be a selfless one. We are called to do what we do for the Lord Jesus, even on the really tough days- not for wealth or fame or recognition or even thanks. Kids don’t appreciate what you’ve done for them when they are little. They will when grown and have kids of their own.

The Lord sees and knows all. As we learn to seek the Lord in our child rearing-for all the details- we begin to internalize that He does care and is waiting to pour out His wisdom to us in precise detail.

Duty is ours, the result is the Lord’s.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

Our kids are created in God’s image. Our job is to point them to their Savior- that is foremost in our job description, not teaching math, geography, or biology, but rather in building servant’s heart for Jesus.

For more on raising kids of character, see How to Raise Kids of Character e-book by Marilyn Boyer.

NEXT WEEK- How to practically put delighting in your kids into practice

Nate Talks about the Impact of Delighting in Your Children

Delight in Your Children: The Key to Their Hearts

Homeschooling is all about relationships. It’s about math and reading and sentence diagramming and geography and all those things too, but all these things amount to nothing in God’s eyes if we don’t raise children of character ready to tackle big enterprises for the Lord. If you sometimes feel like homeschooling or parenting is drudgery, you can bet your kids feel the same way. It’s such a temptation to stress out over things like teaching predicate nominatives or the steps of division that we forget to delight in our children and make time to enjoy being with them.
We have found through our now 35 years of parenting and 30 years of home schooling that this is actually the key to instilling values that stick and building in your kids a heart for things of the Lord. Foundational to preparing your child to do great things you need to focus on your relationship with each child individually. When your relationship with your kids is right, they will respond to your attempts to make learning fun.

1. Learning to View Life From our Children’s Point of View
I have 14 children, and all of them are different from one another as I’m sure your children are as well. It takes time-quality time- to get to really know your children as individuals. I’ve always liked to “step into the shoes of another”.
It helps in raising children to do the same kind of thing. Remember what it was like to be a kid and how certain tones of voice made you feel, or being yelled at (to this day I cringe when I hear parents yelling at their kids)

I remember clearly when my son Tim was a little boy. He was very shy and when he was embarrassed he often dealt with that embarrassment in a way that appeared that he was angry. One of those times, Rick was about to spank him for displaying anger. I called him aside and explained my theory. He began to observe and we could clearly see a pattern. He wasn’t angry, just trying to save face. We needed to guide him to do that in a more acceptable manner, but would have wounded his spirit by misinterpreting his reaction as anger.

All this to say, it takes time and wisdom (skill) in learning how to handle our child’s hearts in a proper manner. (More insight is available in Parenting From the Heart)

• A good rule is to always aim to treat our children respectfully.
We always corrected our children for three things: disobedience, disrespect and irresponsibility. If our goal is to teach our children to be respectful, we must treat them respectfully. I always think, “Would I treat another adult the way I just treated my child?”
In some ways, it’s even more important to treat our children respectfully so they can learn to trust us with their hearts. Not that we need to be perfect. Of course we can’t and of course we’ll make lots of mistakes, but our kids are always ready and willing to forgive us when they sense we are truly repentant and have their ultimate best interests at heart. It’s actually a positive thing when our kids see us fail and we admit it. We are modeling for them what they will need to make use of many times in their lives too. So,don’t be afraid to blow it. You will! Kids are masters at reading our hearts, especially when they reach the teen years and learn that Mom and Dad aren’t perfect after all.

• When correcting your children, be sure to correct for their benefit, not because you’re mad

• Show them how what they did violates Scripture. Always point them back to Scripture. We have a resource that you may find helpful. It’s called Identifying and Dealing with Offenses. It is a list of Scriptures I used to show my kids how their unacceptable behavior violated a command of Scripture, and to reach them what they should have done to handle it God’s way.

• We always taught our kids why we needed to correct them. We were obeying God to do this verse:
Hebrews 12:11- “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards, it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness.”

• Teach your kids to use Scripture as the guidebook for their lives. The Bible has the answer for every problem they will ever face and they need to learn to become skillful in applying God’s Word to everyday situations.
For example: Ephesians 4:29- “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace (desire and power to do God’s will) to those who hear.
or in another version:
“Say only what is GOOD and HELPFUL to those you are talking to and WHAT WILL GIVE THEM A BLESSING.”
This verse gives some practical guidelines for teaching your child how to evaluate their speech. Was what you said GOOD?, Was it HELPFUL? DID IT GIVE OTHERS A BLESSING? If not, don't say it.
More Practical info on this subject can be found in Obedience from the Heart CD

To be continued next week....
"Delight in Your Children as God Delights in Us"