When Siblings Don't Get Along: Part 2- Applying God's Word

God has created the family to be the training ground for children. Since we are all born with a sin nature, righteous behavior doesn’t come naturally. Therefore, it is our primary job as parents to train our kids to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, and mind. That awesome job requires intentional time put into training them to look to Scripture as the practical guidebook for their lives that supplies them with principles to follow and answers to every dilemma they will face.

Of all the things we teach our children, the most crucial of all is how to find answers to everyday situations in life and learn to make wise choices. Many of us are still trying to learn this ourselves. I’ve found as I spend time teaching my children the application of God’s Word, I am learning it myself!

In my 36 years of child training I have gone to Scripture to find out what it says about teasing, mocking, anger, slothfulness, rudeness, etc. in order to be able to share this with my children. When our children have trouble getting along, which they will, it is actually God’s direction for US to search out insight from Scripture and spend time diligently teaching this to our kids. (BTW, our new character/Bible studies are a result of my years of looking up these Scriptures to teach them to my children. Kids of Character teaches 45 character qualities in simple to understand language and leads the child in searching out what God has to say about them. Growing in Wisdom is from my list of offenses- anger, teasing, mocking etc and leading the children in a study from God’s Word of not only the negative trait, but the corresponding positive as well. The flashcards reinforce the verses to be learned. After sharing with parents for years how we went about it in our family, I finally took the time to get it into a form you and your kids can benefit from without having to dig it all out yourself.)

Let me give you a couple of examples:

Your children are speaking to each other in angry tones. You come in to the situation. Who knows who started it?? No one will ever admit to that. Actually, it really doesn’t matter. They are both making the wrong choice. Proverbs 15:1 teaches us: “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Both children need to learn how to deal with the anger of another. It never solves the problem to snap angrily back at another. Instead, one person needs to apply God’s solution to the situation and then watch God work. God honors his principles. Try giving a soft answer. You will soon see the anger of the other person begin to subside. (If one child is constantly antagonizing the other, then that is another issue that needs to be dealt with.)

As you attempt to lead your children, watch for patterns to emerge. If one child often struggles in a certain area, then that is God’s direction for you to concentrate on teaching them what God’s Word has to say about that sin. We always used the struggles of our child as direction of what Scriptures they needed to be learning. God’s Word never returns void, but if you see a constant battle in your child’s life, that needs to be the focus for their Scripture memory. It is ultimately God’s Word that will change their attitude as they learn to exchange their thoughts for God’s thoughts! (Isaiah 55: 8) 

(As you teach your children, if you choose to use our studies, don’t feel like you have to start at page 1 and work through it. If your kids are battling with teasing, begin there. Let conflicts in your home direct your teaching of God’s Word to your children.)

Head knowledge puffeth up. The mind learns information, but we need to move that information to the heart, by practical application, and you as the parent make it your goal to walk your child through their struggles. Show them how the wrong response produces wrong responses in others as well and how God honors and rewards one who chooses to make the wise choices in life. Prepare for an adventure, because it’s a lifestyle we’re talking about. As you lead your child to apply God’s wisdom to his everyday life, God will also reveal sin patterns in your own life that need the application of God’s Word as well.  

I was reading a book by George Barna recently on Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions. He claims from his study that “by the age of 13, your spiritual identity is largely set in place.” He advises parents to maximize their influence to train their children in the Scriptures while the child is young. He says, “If you connect with children today, effectively teaching them Biblical principles and foundations from the start, then you will see the fruit of that effort blossom for decades to come. The more diligent we are in these efforts, the more prodigious a harvest we will reap. Alternatively, the more lackadaisical we choose to be in our efforts to raise up children as moral and spiritual champions, the less healthy the Church and society of the future will be. The choice is yours.”

~Marilyn

When Siblings Don't Get Along: Part 1- Why do My Children Argue So Much?

"Why do my children argue so much?!"

It may be simply because you let them. 

Sometimes when your children have conflicts you can plainly identify the cause.  One or both has really done wrong to the other and for the situation to be properly handled, somebody needs to confess fault and possibly make restitution. Would that all arguments could be so easily diagnosed!

But then there are those times—those irritating, frustrating times—when siblings bicker and bicker over nothing significant at all.  They’re irritated with each other, but for the life of you, you can’t figure out how it started and just what it would take to settle the issue to the satisfaction of both.  Or even one of them! 

Children are in the process of growing up, and that includes learning how to resolve conflicts with others.  And it is the most natural thing in the world for the family to be the first arena in which they practice.  They need the opportunity to exercise and develop their skills at negotiation, their ability to express frustration appropriately, and even their ability to forgive.  If conflicts never happened in the family, the acquiring of these important interpersonal skills would have to wait until the children encountered conflicts with others outside the family.  That’s not God’s plan.

But there are times when it’s obvious that there is no progress being made toward resolution and the two siblings in question are just venting their irritation with each other.  They are petulant, irritable and prickly.  That’s when it’s time to call a halt.

I believe in giving kids time to settle their arguments on their own.  It’s good for them.  But I don’t allow spiteful bickering to go on indefinitely.  Very shortly after it becomes evident that progress has halted while the fuming goes full speed ahead, I will say something like, “Hey, you guys.  You’ve had time to settle this already. Now I suggest you settle it in the next sixty seconds or so, or I will settle it for you.”

They know that I will try to be fair, but that the end result may not be exactly what either party wants.  Usually they manage to resolve things before the sixty seconds are up.

I know a lady who raised five children on the family farm.  When her children were growing up, she would sometimes say something like, “Well, we have a lot of fighting going on here.  Somebody must have too much energy going to waste.  Jerry, why don’t you go out and hoe the potatoes?  Amanda, your room could stand a good cleaning.  Tommy and Ed, the chicken house needs to be cleaned out.  Let’s not let all this great energy be wasted on arguments!”  Usually when the chores were done they found that they didn’t really have an urge to renew the battle.

Moral of the story:  If you can find a root cause in the argument, deal with it.  But if it’s more of a petty bickering situation than a true justice issue, give them some time to settle their differences and let them know you’ll do it if they can’t.  They may surprise both you and themselves with the rapid improvement in their conflict resolution skills. 

~Rick Boyer