Part 3: Advice to Fathers

The Father’s Role in Home Education Function #2: The Disciplinarian

by Rick Boyer Published in the Teaching Home magazine, March/April 1997

More important than academics is the training and discipling of our children to love and follow the Lord God and His Word. Children must be trained and disciplined in order for them to be teachable.

As I search the Scriptures, I find it inescapable that the primary responsibility for child discipline rests with the father.

“For what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?” (Hebrews 12:7b).

Self-control, which is the goal of discipline in the Christian home, is not produced by correction alone. For a dad to be a successful disciplinarian, his relationship with his children must be far more.

Lifestyle. Dad must cultivate a lifestyle in the home that is conducive to learning discipline. A home that operates on a schedule, rather than haphazardly, and that is kept orderly and in good repair demonstrates responsibility and serves as a good example to children.

Attitude. Most importantly, Dad must provide an example of attitude. If Dad throws tantrums when disappointments come, his efforts to teach his children not to do the same will fail.

Even if Dad can force outward obedience, his children’s inward response will be frustration and bitterness. This means he will have to confess when he does wrong and show his children that he expects the same of himself as he does of them.

Training. Dad must also give his children positive training. There is a place for correction, but it comes after a child has been taught clear rules for behavior.

It wounds the spirit of a child to hold him accountable for doing the right thing when he does not know what the right thing is.

Marilyn and I learned this lesson years ago when she came home from a frazzling shopping trip. We made a trip back to the supermarket just to train the children in shopping decorum.

Before going into the store, we set some simple rules: Stay close to Mommy; don’t touch without asking; use quiet voices; don’t stand in front of the cart. Then Marilyn cruised the aisles while I walked behind and gave needed reminders. Next time Marilyn took the children shopping, she had a much easier time.

Correction. When correction is needed, it should never be given in anger; spanking should always be done with a rod and not the hand. And don’t think that spanking is the only form of correction. Denial of privileges and other consequences often work wonders.

Remember, though, if you do spank, don’t do it with your tongue. Appeal to your child’s conscience, reason with him when appropriate, but don’t give tongue lashings. They cut deeper than the stripes of a switch. Some such wounds never heal.

Positive Relationship. A positive relationship with your child is the first step in effective discipline. I pray for help in communicating to my children that I like them as well as love them.

I want my children to know that I am training them for their benefit, not so they won’t embarrass me with their failures. I want to spend more time praising them than criticizing them. I don’t want them to give up on doing right because nothing they do is good enough to please me.

I’m so thankful God gave me my children. Do they know that?

Spiritual Battle. Finally, Dad needs to realize that child discipline is a spiritual battle. The specialist in rebellion is still around, seeking who he may devour and making them rebels too. Discipline is not behavior modification. It is daily seeking the face of God in prayer on behalf of our children.

Part 2: Advice to Fathers

A Father's Role in Home Education

by Rick Boyer Published in The Teaching Home magazine, Jan/Feb 1997

My only claim to fame is that I have 13 children and don’t color my hair. I don’t claim to be an expert on fatherhood. I don’t know a man who does. If there is such a man, my guess is that his children are still quite young. So it is not with an attitude of authority that I write, but in a spirit of sympathy.

We fathers are at a disadvantage from the start. It begins with childbirth, when the mother has the option of receiving or declining anesthesia. I’ve been through 13 births, and I’ve never even been offered the choice! Then once the baby is born, it becomes evident that women are endowed with a parenting instinct that their husbands cannot hope to match.

I discovered this when our first child was born. Every time Rickey cried, Marilyn seemed to know instinctively what his need was. She could have fed, changed, and quieted while I was still trying to find the OFF button.

Unless my on-the-job training experience is very unusual, there is much fatherly bumbling done despite the best intentions. Somehow, most fathers survive the first few years of fatherhood only to find themselves faced with new challenges when the issue of schooling arises.

For the man who chooses home education for his family, there is often an identity crisis. Most of us were educated in the public schools and our concept of education is colored accordingly. One thing we did not learn from our schooling is the role of a father in educating his children.

Since the modern home-education movement is still largely a first-generation phenomenon, we fathers have had to improvise our own job description. We already had a pretty clear concept of Mom’s role. She had to be the teacher. Dad’s work schedule usually doesn’t allow the flexibility for him to fill those shoes. So we debated; just what is a father to do?

The schoolish model we had in our minds seemed to cast Dad in a minor role. Some people thought of him as a substitute teacher, who really wasn’t of much use except to stand in for Mom where his expertise made him better suited to teach a certain subject.

Dad was also viewed as a school janitor. The best use for him was to shoulder some of the housework to free up more of Mom’s time to teach.

The first of those two roles seemed a bit narrow to me, and the second just didn’t appeal to me at all. So I did as I always do when I need a basic understanding of an important subject. I went to the Scriptures looking for principles to give me guidance.

The Bible has a lot to say about fatherhood, sometimes through references to human fathers and sometimes in describing our heavenly Father. The job description includes at least seven distinct functions, the first of which we will discuss here.

If we will apply those functions to the home-education setting, we can learn to be the most effective fathers possible. We can also leave helping with the cleaning and laundry mostly to the children. After all, it’s an important part of their education.

Function #1: The Provider

“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (I Timothy 5:8).

The first and obvious role of a father is to provide for his family.

Finances. The husband of a woman who teaches their children at home has a bargain to start with. In our part of the country at least, a couple can home educate their children for a year at approximately the cost of sending them to one of the local private schools for a month. With that in mind, Dad would be well advised to allow his wife some freedom in the use of the checkbook to supply her classroom.

My wife has earned my trust in handling money by making better use of it over the years than I could. Because she has the freedom to bargain hunt, Marilyn regularly comes home with some notable results. She buys in bulk when prices are low and watches for sales.

We don’t have space to list Marilyn’s greatest triumphs. Once she found a store that had made an ordering mistake and was severely overstocked on boys’ jeans. She came home with 50 pairs at a dollar each. Suffice it to say that she takes care of a family of 15 quite adequately on a modest single income.

Besides giving Mom the freedom to shop when it’s most advantageous (it’s really dumb to wait until you need the item and have to pay full price), being a provider means doing things for her that she can’t readily do for herself.

Work space. One good example is that of providing a suitable facility for her working and teaching. Jesus said He was going “to prepare a place” for His bride, and we have that responsibility as well.

My sons and I have had to be creative because of the normal size of our house and the abnormal size of our family.

We built a shoe shelf (it looks like a big bookcase with dividers) in the basement entryway, floored the attic for storage, installed a pull-down attic stairway, hung ceiling fans to augment the air conditioning, built extra shelves in the closets, enclosed the carport, and performed a number of other fun activities.

Providing a place for your wife means making your home as suitable as possible for her work. If you have worked in unsuitable surroundings or with inferior equipment, you should be able to sympathize.

Career preparation. A sometimes neglected aspect of providing for one’s family is preparation for the children’s future careers. By that I don’t necessarily mean college, although that may be a part of the plan. I’m more concerned with teaching our children a useful way to make a living.

One of my own sons, the three who are old enough to do so have all been apprenticed in our family construction business and were capable workmen by age 16 or 17. In addition, they work with Marilyn and me in producing and distributing our books. When we do a seminar or convention, we are assisted by one or more of the boys or sister Katie.

In addition to apprenticeship in the parent’s work, a father can provide opportunities for his children to pursue their own interests and develop talents in areas unrelated to what the rest of the family is doing.

Our eldest son Rick, at 22, was an avid political activist. At age 19 he was elected county chairman of our party, making him the youngest county chairman in the state.

Number two son Tim is a mechanical type who works part-time for me and then puts in another several hours a day as maintenance man for our church. I couldn’t have taught either politics or fix-it work, but I’ve encouraged the boys to follow their natural bents, and it is paying off.

Being involved in the business of the family and the community also has the benefit of teaching children the skills of business and human relationships, other important opportunities for a father to provide for his children.

Next week: Function #2 The Disciplinarian

Part 1: Advice to Fathers

Turning the Hearts of Fathers to Their Children

By Rick Boyer

Published in The Teaching Home magazine, March/April 1998

“And He shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse” (Malachi 4:6 KJV).

While the above verse from Malachi warns of a curse, it also gives the preventive measure: a turning of fathers’ hearts to children and of children’s hearts to fathers.

This is what I believe is happening in the home-education movement, and it is the main reason that I have hope for the future.

Goals/Careers

If you as a father would turn your heart to your children, you will have to place different priorities on things associated with your work. First of all, you cannot put your job first in your life. You can’t work day and night to advance up the job ladder at the expense of time with your family.

You also can’t travel three hundred days a year. It just won’t work. It takes time to raise children. Your job needs to allow a degree of flexibility. If you are home educating, your family is already more flexible than average and can allow some room for irregularities in your work schedule. But your work needs to return the favor.

There will be times when opportunities arise for your family to do something of value together that happens when you would normally be at work. Can you get time off when it is advantageous for your ministry to your family?

Finances

We also need to look at money through different lenses than other men. That includes training our children for a job as well as how to spend, save, invest, and give money. In short, stewardship.

It means that making money can’t be our goal in life. To put that first will cost us the hearts of our children sooner or later.

We need to be committed to living debt-free. It may be very hard and require sacrifice to get out and stay out of debt, but it is an essential goal. If our children watch their fathers depend on credit to provide the needs of the family, they will see nothing wrong with using credit themselves.

Proverbs 22:7 says the borrower is a slave to the lender. Financial freedom is to be carefully and diligently guarded.

Seeing money through a heart turned to children means having different priorities for spending. You may spend less on golf clubs and bass boats than your friends do; that’s because you place a higher priority on trips to the museum and building a family library.

Education

Home education for your children will be a conviction, not an alternative option. Only that way can you have maximum involvement in the life and learning of your child. Character training will be more valued than academics.

This is another issue that will look different when viewed through the eyes of a man whose heart has been turned to his children. It means being willing to be interrupted. It means accepting a little person’s “help” when doing a home project would go more smoothly without it. It means making time for your devotional life, not just for your own benefit, but to seek answers for the issues that make you a better dad.

Sometimes (such as when you read the same kiddie book aloud for the fourth time in a row) parenthood involves some monotony. But when you endure it willingly, you are saying something powerful to the little person on your lap.

You are saying, “I love you. You are important to me.” If you prioritize your time so that your child grows up believing that, he will have the sense of significance and purpose that can motivate a person to leave his mark on the world.

Church Life

Our attitude toward the church may need adjusting as we turn our hearts to our children. It may even mean changing churches if the one we are in at present isn’t family friendly. At least it will mean we have to beware of over-commitment at the expense of family time.

We may have to protect our children from some church programs, watching out for such things as objectionable music and peer pressure in youth groups.

The dedicated dad must stand alone for his family, because many churches won’t share his vision. Some people won’t understand if you don’t take advantage of all their ministries to children. Just be faithful and raise your children for the Lord.