When Siblings Don't Get Along: Part 1- Why do My Children Argue So Much?

"Why do my children argue so much?!"

It may be simply because you let them. 

Sometimes when your children have conflicts you can plainly identify the cause.  One or both has really done wrong to the other and for the situation to be properly handled, somebody needs to confess fault and possibly make restitution. Would that all arguments could be so easily diagnosed!

But then there are those times—those irritating, frustrating times—when siblings bicker and bicker over nothing significant at all.  They’re irritated with each other, but for the life of you, you can’t figure out how it started and just what it would take to settle the issue to the satisfaction of both.  Or even one of them! 

Children are in the process of growing up, and that includes learning how to resolve conflicts with others.  And it is the most natural thing in the world for the family to be the first arena in which they practice.  They need the opportunity to exercise and develop their skills at negotiation, their ability to express frustration appropriately, and even their ability to forgive.  If conflicts never happened in the family, the acquiring of these important interpersonal skills would have to wait until the children encountered conflicts with others outside the family.  That’s not God’s plan.

But there are times when it’s obvious that there is no progress being made toward resolution and the two siblings in question are just venting their irritation with each other.  They are petulant, irritable and prickly.  That’s when it’s time to call a halt.

I believe in giving kids time to settle their arguments on their own.  It’s good for them.  But I don’t allow spiteful bickering to go on indefinitely.  Very shortly after it becomes evident that progress has halted while the fuming goes full speed ahead, I will say something like, “Hey, you guys.  You’ve had time to settle this already. Now I suggest you settle it in the next sixty seconds or so, or I will settle it for you.”

They know that I will try to be fair, but that the end result may not be exactly what either party wants.  Usually they manage to resolve things before the sixty seconds are up.

I know a lady who raised five children on the family farm.  When her children were growing up, she would sometimes say something like, “Well, we have a lot of fighting going on here.  Somebody must have too much energy going to waste.  Jerry, why don’t you go out and hoe the potatoes?  Amanda, your room could stand a good cleaning.  Tommy and Ed, the chicken house needs to be cleaned out.  Let’s not let all this great energy be wasted on arguments!”  Usually when the chores were done they found that they didn’t really have an urge to renew the battle.

Moral of the story:  If you can find a root cause in the argument, deal with it.  But if it’s more of a petty bickering situation than a true justice issue, give them some time to settle their differences and let them know you’ll do it if they can’t.  They may surprise both you and themselves with the rapid improvement in their conflict resolution skills. 

~Rick Boyer