tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post2281627462692754459..comments2023-04-10T07:29:26.765-04:00Comments on The Boyer Blog: When Siblings Don't Get Along: Part 1- Why do My Children Argue So Much?Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06448835837318172677noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-70004666687548871372011-06-04T08:53:42.579-04:002011-06-04T08:53:42.579-04:00Dear Humble Servant,
Never feel you have failed i...Dear Humble Servant,<br /><br />Never feel you have failed if you are working on trying to fix something...! We are all growing and learning on how to become better parents.....None of us have been the perfect parent for our children, yet we ALL continue to strive. That you are striving and care to find other answers says so much about what a wonderful parent you are and how much you love your children! Don't let the enemy discourage you! :)<br /><br />As far as ending the pattern of letting other more bossy children victimize the younger ones, I would suggest looking inward and asking yourself if the kids are seeing this pattern somehow being repeated in yourself and/or your husband's relationship. I know often my kids do what I do, rather than what I say..... ugh! (I think that's one of the reasons why God says children are a blessing.... they "force" us to look at ourselves and change our habits into better, more godly ones). <br /><br />If you can honestly say you don't repeat this pattern yourself, then I would suggest getting involved directly in their arguments and having each child practice being either more assertive and setting up proper biblical boundaries (in the case of the "victimized" ones... they are not victims, though.... they can choose not to be), and having the more assertive children practice letting the others feelings rule, etc. LIterally tell each child what to say when they are in conflict and actually have them say it, so they can start to actually practice a skill they are not used to doing. Along with this speak specific bible verses (that relate to the long-time patterns you have been seeing) into the situation, so the kids see what God has to say about their attitudes. With enough patience, hearing God's word about their particular sin, and time on your part, their hearts will begin to yield to what you have been "forcing" their tongue to say. <br /><br />I would follow this up with actions in two ways.... have the stronger personality kids practice being a servant to their more amiable siblings (make their beds for them, serve them meals, do their chores, etc.) These could be examples of discipline when they haven't let their other siblings voice be heard, but more importantly also try to make it be a "fun" thing (surprise their sibling with a service- assertive child gets to pick service and do it in secret waiting for less assertive sibling to realize it was done, etc), so serving isn't seen as a negative, but a good, wonderful thing. Then, have the less assertive siblings practice being leaders (make up meal planning, decide where the family will go for dinner/outings/etc, change up the chore chart and let them plan it for everyone with your oversight, of coarse, etc). <br /><br />Second, find ways they can have fun together building up their friendships. Have them do 2-legged races tied to the other sibling they always fight with, have them form 2 person teams in fun games where the kids that are fighting are each other's team mates, etc.<br /><br />Last suggestion, since they are teens and I assume have research skills, instead of doing a book review, have them research and study what God's word says about their particular sin and write out answers to your specific questions about them. <br /><br />Finally, pray, pray, pray for God's wisdom. Ask God to show you the root of the problem in each child's heart and solutions to heal it. He will give the much needed wisdom we parents all need to do our very best. He wants us to be successful parents! God knows what you are able to do and he will help you do it!<br /><br />Hugs, Angiedocarcromerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13883214924064100011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-13552641972063381682011-04-10T21:23:11.231-04:002011-04-10T21:23:11.231-04:00I wonder though....I am realizing after years of l...I wonder though....I am realizing after years of letting them work it out themselves that there are the 'pleasers' who do not like conflict and will 'let it go' alot with the more powerful children who then tend to get their way.<br />Mine are all teens now but I see this pattern has emerged in various of the relationships between one or another of them. What do you do about that?? I feel I have failed two of my children in particular in that they are victimized by the other more bossy ones. I feel bad about this but feel it is maybe 'too late'? Thanks. JulieName on His Handhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18081502040635491399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-59861336609803435242011-04-09T16:17:18.130-04:002011-04-09T16:17:18.130-04:00What a helpful article. I have 8 yo twins and hon...What a helpful article. I have 8 yo twins and honestly have gotten to my wits end with their bickering. THANK YOU! I can see my stress level dissipating very quickly by putting your suggestions into practice :)The Wandering Yankeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09634345207481977575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-90791887637361443542011-03-18T08:50:43.265-04:002011-03-18T08:50:43.265-04:00We always try to get to the heart of the issue wit...We always try to get to the heart of the issue with our children, not just the surface bickering. It takes more time, than just saying "Stop fighting" but worth it in the end, as it can help your children to learn to see the root of the issue too.Deanna Rabe - Creekside Cottage Bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16133684514103206137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-9238101996798770982011-03-16T22:46:33.734-04:002011-03-16T22:46:33.734-04:00Rachel,
I'm not surprised that your children ...Rachel,<br /><br />I'm not surprised that your children have trouble resolving conflicts. Five and three are pretty young to be able to think at any distance from the emotions. I expect you'll have to coach them though some situations for the next couple of years. Try to think of these occasions as training sessions and make the most of themRick Boyernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-41732984880763286152011-03-16T10:24:10.462-04:002011-03-16T10:24:10.462-04:00Rachel, We have that situation at our house and fo...Rachel, We have that situation at our house and found that I needed to be a little bit more involved until my younger son learned to be a little bit more assertive and my oldest learned to be loving and gentle with his brother rather than manipulative with his strength. I didn't always solve the issues for them, but I did do some coaching on the way they discussed them. Respectful assertiveness and understanding gentleness are skills in and of themselves that our kids need to learn! When you start to see these being exhibited, they are ready to resolve conflict on their own. :)Mama Bearnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-621699173280367762011-03-16T09:18:35.192-04:002011-03-16T09:18:35.192-04:00At what age do you let the children resolve their ...At what age do you let the children resolve their arguments? I have young children and I find if I let them resolve the argument, they either can't, or the older 5 year old tells the laid back 3 year old what to do and he does it.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11690630964256022409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4166507080024269352.post-7986891465191357792011-03-16T09:15:33.625-04:002011-03-16T09:15:33.625-04:00I have young children, at what age do start having...I have young children, at what age do start having the kids resolve the argument. I have a strong willed 5 year-old and a laid back 3 year old and I find if I have them resolve the argument usually the five year old just tells the 3 year old what to do and he gives in.Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11690630964256022409noreply@blogger.com